My gratitude goes to Karla Donaldson for her contributions to this section.

	I will never lie if the truth will do more damage!
	If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
	Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
	Hey baby. wrinkles are something other people have. You have character lines.
	If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, you should you never swerve to hit him! It might be your bicycle!
	Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
	Beauty Parlor is a place where women curl up and dye. .
	All men are idiots....but you will marry their king! me!
	Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
	What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die.
	The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
	Person A: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Tipping at the rose Chapel?  Person B: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Person A: And Mr. Tipping was dead at the time, is that correct?  Person B: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
	A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

	An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
	Person A: Were you alone or by yourself. Person B: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.  Person A: That's me.  Person B: Were you present when that picture was taken?
	Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
	I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
	Teachers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident.
	[Recall that Army Advert - UK Residents]... "You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Physic's teacher".... "You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?..." {insert big silent gap here}  Shoot the Physics Teacher! Twice. Because your a bored student. {Join the British Army call now...}
	Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
	Where there's a will...I want to be on it.
	Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it.
	Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
	Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
	I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather....... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
	He who laughs last thinks slowest
	The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette
	3 kinds of people: those who are good at Maths & those who aren't.
	I love animals, they taste great.
	A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
	Assassins do it from behind.
	I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
	Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
	Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
	What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
	Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
	Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
	God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
	Watch it! Although I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit!
	I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way!
	Keep honking while I reload.
	Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes!
	My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
	Never drink and derive.
	Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
	What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick!
	Better living through denial!
	Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
	I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
	Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
	Adults are just kids who owe money.
	Who are these kids and why are they calling me dad?
	A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "£50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
	You! Off my planet!
	See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
	Hackers: Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
	Dating is  the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
	Eye contact is a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
	An enemy is a member of the same sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with them totally unappealing. *Cough* *Cough*
	Indifference is a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get."
	Interesting is a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
	Comeback Line: Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
	The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
	I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
	I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
	Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
	I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
	I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
	Yes, I am an agent of Shakespeare, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
	No, my powers can only be used for good.
	I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me!
	You're starting to sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
	I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
	I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
	I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
	My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
	It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
	At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
	I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
	Nymphomaniac a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
	You were sent here as a warning to others, weren’t you?
	A Mouse is an advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
	It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...it was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
	Your computer is dead. And it was so alive. You shouldn't have installed, Windows 95.
	Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be! Don't fret about your wife though; She's moving in with me.
	So your daughter's a hooker, And it spoilt your day. Look on the bright side: She's a really good lay.
	My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I found your cat. Sorry!
	Gravity brings me down
	I am hereby officially rendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.
	I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colours, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
	I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
	I want to believe that anything is possible.
	I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and the loss of loved ones.
	I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, and kind words, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
	And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have contact my solicitor....
	If knowledge is power, then God am I!
	Everyone is entitled to my opinion
	While money can't buy happiness it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
	Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
	Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
	Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
	Teamwork is vital!! (It gives you someone to blame.)
	If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
	Documentation is the castor oil of programming ... Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
	Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
	An expert is someone from out of town.
	No experiment is ever a complete failure -- it can always serve a negative example.
	Two can live as cheaply as one - for half as long.
	It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
	Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
	I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
	Welcome to Florida, now go home.
	If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
	My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
	Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
	Don't steal. The government hates competition
	Cover me! I'm changing lanes.
	Save Florida! When you leave take someone with you.
	If money could talk, it would say goodbye!
	If it's too loud, you're too old.
	Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
	So many pedestrians. So little time.
	Fight crime, shoot back!
	If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
	My wife's other car is a broom!
	This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!
	..... REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe
	A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
	A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
	A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them.
	A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.
	A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author.
	A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?
	APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
	ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
	Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation.
	Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
	Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it.
	After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
	All computers run at the same speed...with the power off.
	All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.
	All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
	An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
	Another megabytes the dust.
	Any program that runs right is obsolete.
	Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.
	As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
	Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
	BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!
	Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
	Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
	Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
	Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.
	Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.
	Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
	Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
	Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.
	Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
	Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
	Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming.
	DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
	Design simplicity: It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
	Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.
	Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
	Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?"
	Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.
	Don't document the program; program the document.
	Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
	Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
	Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.
	Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.
	Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation.
	God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
	Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
	Honey, I Formatted the Kids!
	How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...
	I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
	I am the computer your mother warned you about.
	I came, I saw, Read your CV, deleted all your files. Then went back home.
	IBM: Idiots Built Me
	If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
	If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
	If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
	If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
	If it was so easy, the hardware people would take care of it
	If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
	Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
	It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
	It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
	It's here at last: We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
	Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
	Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
	Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
	New: It comes in different colors from the previous version.
	No program written/configured by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
	Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
	On a clear disk you can seek forever.
	Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
	Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
	Programming is an art form that fights back.
	Real programs don't eat cache.
	Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)
	Satisfaction Guaranteed: We'll send you another copy if it fails.
	Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
	Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.
	System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.
	The less time planning, the more time programming.
	The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
	The wise person writes bomb-proof code.
	The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
	This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
	Those who can't write, write help files.
	Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those are easily pissed off, HACK!
	To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
	USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
	WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation...
	Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
	Was that your wife I saw in that GIF?
	When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't help, then read the manual.
	When a program is being BETA tested, it is not too late to make design changes.
	Technician: I don't remember installing this GPF screensaver.
	Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
	DUMB PEOPLE: You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
	You had mail, but admin read it, tossed over it and deleted it!
	You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
	System Error #03: Your password is pitifully obvious.
	System Error #08: Process aborted. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.
	The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
	Prejudiced people are all alike.
	Those who judge others will burn in Hell!
	Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
	Avoid Alliteration. Always.
	Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
	Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
	Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
	Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide multiple simultaneous access points to the disk.
	ENGINEERING EXAM QUESTION: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
	SOCIOLOGY EXAM QUESTION: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. Test it. Write a conclusion.
	There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
	If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
	Do your legs hurt from running in my dreams all night?
	I'm writing a telephone book. May I have your number?
	How you look depends on who's looking.
	You BITCH--Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming Human being!
	What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?( = talk)
	What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? ( = a twenty pound note)
	What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? (firetruck)
	Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman? ( = bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
	What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands? ( = fork)
	What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? ( = Almond Joy candy bar)
	What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages? ( = grit)
	What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? ( = last name)
	"Am I going to die, doctor?" "Trust me, it's the last thing you'll want to do."
	<BOOOOM> ! Trust me! I know what I'm doing!
	Doom: Don't trust anything that moves - kill it instead.
	Trust me, you don't need this file.
	I used to trust the media to tell me the truth.
	I'm a lawyer . . . trust me anyway!
	In God We Trust All others must show two forms of ID.
	In God we Trust......All others pay ca$h!
	One who trusts can never be betrayed - only mistaken
	Q: How does Bill Clinton say "F*** you"? A: "Trust me."
	The Errors are out there.
	Trust me, I'm a lawyer... .
	Trust me, would I lie to you..... TWICE?
	Your eyes can deceive you. Your ears can betray you
	It is easier to destroy than to create
	If I see a smudge I will have you destroyed!
	Hackers, You can't outrun them. You can't destroy them. You can't collect evidence against them.
	The embrace of love held too tightly can destroy.
	Before making a backup, first destroy the originals.
	Be a good Samaritan, destroy a Politician !
	Destroy an Organisation, Give them Windows!
	If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that shows you ever tried.
	Whom the gods would destroy they give Windows!
	Windows Error #018: Unrecoverable error. System destroyed.
	You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
	Criminals LOVE gun control, it makes there job much easier.
	AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS do it by radar